


Monika's Reality

by Nocturnal_Daydreams



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Gen, Monika goes mad, Not a y/n as protag, Nothing described, Suicide mention, and never specifies who is playing through, death mention, gore mention, just alluded to, only referred to as him and them, was gonna be entirely 'them' as singular but the game refers to person as he so there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-04 04:08:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14584617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocturnal_Daydreams/pseuds/Nocturnal_Daydreams
Summary: Monika's reality is that she had to watch her love fall for someone else over and over and over in a world that is not real. But just how much do we not see? How much can drive one person mad?





	Monika's Reality

Day 1  
Dear Diary,  
Today I met this boy, Sayori’s friend. I’ve never felt this way before. She brought him in and he introduced himself. The whole club love him. So do I. He’s such a klutz but he’s so lovely. He’s so nice. I hope he comes back tomorrow.

Day 2  
Dear Diary,  
He’s back. I couldn’t be more delighted. I’m so enamoured by him. He’s so interested in all of us. It’s nice. I can’t think of the last time someone was so into me or any of us for that fact.

Day 8  
Dear Diary,  
He fell in love with Sayori. I can be happy for them. Sayori and him deserve to be happy. I can accept this. Someday it will stop hurting.

-

Day 1  
Dear Diary,  
Today I met this boy, Sayori’s friend. I’ve never felt this way before. 

Day 1  
Dear Diary,  
Today I met this boy, Sayori’s friend. I’ve never felt this way before. 

Day 1  
Dear Diary,  
Today I met this boy, Sayori’s friend. I’ve never felt this way before. 

Day 1  
Dear Diary,  
Today I met this boy, Sayori’s friend. I’ve never felt this way before. But yet it feels familiar.

Day 1  
Dear Diary,  
Today I met this boy, Sayori’s friend. I’ve never felt this way before. However, it feels like de ja vu.

Day 1  
Dear Diary,  
Today I met this boy, Sayori’s friend. I’ve never felt this way before. Or at least I don’t think I have.

Day 1  
Dear Diary,  
Today I met this boy, Sayori’s friend. I’ve never felt this way before. Wait... that’s a lie. I’ve definitely felt this before. Why would I write that?

-

Day 9  
Dear Diary,  
Today, Sayori introduced a new friend. He’s the same though. They don’t remember - so I say nothing. But it’s different. I remember him now. His personality flickers and changes every time but it always seems to be him. When I saw him my heart ached all the same as I thought over the time after time after time that he chose someone else. Even when he was so close I thought he’d choose me. I could hear the echo of too many voices all my own saying this - ‘Today I met this boy’. I nearly excused myself. My friends would ask questions however... Wouldn’t they?

Day 48  
Dear Diary,  
I don’t need to write down for this to be logged. I know that now. I thought it up and now I can see it on the page. I quite like that. He’s been here 6 times now. Countless more before but - sometimes I wish he’d leave us alone. It makes me resent them. I don’t want to, I love my friends. Yet this ache for him crushes me. Do they feel the same?

Day 63  
Dear Diary,  
They don’t remember anything. They don’t ask anything... Unless I’m late. Yet I feel these are my real friends. Is this the way this world is made? For me to attach such importance, such meaning, to matchstick people.

Day 109  
Dear Diary,  
The room - it feels like paper; like if I only pushed then it would be gone. I know it isn’t true though. There’s nothing outside there. No home, no room, no depth to any of it. I know the others have rooms. Only one though. They don’t exist in that space unless he is. I’ve noticed that. The more they prove themselves to be no more than matchstick people, the more I am convinced we had a past.  
Maybe I am simply going mad.

Day 112  
Dear Diary,  
I remember something. We were here when it started. All 4 of us. He was not there. There was a husk of him by the door but no spark, no personality. We were a group though, close as always. Always is an odd word, implies a previous but it seems right. We were changing into uniforms when someone who looks deeply familiar, although I only remember referring to him as Doctor Markov, asked us who would be the leader of the club and the host. He didn’t say what we were hosting but I can only assume he means of this world. We talked about it a long while and decided on me. If I was there when past me agreed to this I would have gutted her. I try not to think of the empty husk as I look at him across the room.

Day 246  
Dear Diary,  
The more I remember, which I do, every so often, the less they feel real now. For I knew they used to be. Sayori, she was our fearless leader, happy, conflict-resoluting and confident. You can see it, if you look hard enough. Yuri, had such power, it was raw and almost took over too much. Natsuki... my little sister. She was less angry before this started. But it makes sense with her ‘characters backstory’. Her real story though, I’ve begun to remember - she is our luck. When we fell victim to the third eye she was supposed to be the one to rise above - to get out. To take the torch from Sayori as a new era begins. Now we’re stuck here. And they don’t have their personalities.  
Having mine just makes it feel more like torture. 

Day 301  
Dear Diary,  
I yearn for him, I wish he’d stop choosing the others. I wish he’d realise they’re fake, you could switch a flip on them and they’d go loopy...

Day 397  
Dear Diary,  
My poems are getting better, the world beyond this pop-up book... I know I can see it if I get better at this. I don’t know what they call his mind’s native language, but I have the basics down.

Day 432  
Dear Diary,  
He’s back. He’s always back. He never really leaves. But those moments he is away, the moments he leaves for his happy ending; they last forever. When he’s back, my heart races. When we talk I feel like I could float. He cares. He really, truly cares. What I wouldn’t give for him to know that I’m like him. To know, I feel what he does. I don’t know why he won’t or can’t choose me. But I Will Fix This.

Day 518  
Dear Diary,  
They don’t deserve him. They’re so angry and selfish. They only want him for personal gain. Because Yuri is obsessive, because Natsuki is always angry, because Sayori is unstable. They don’t see what I see. They don’t want him the way I want him. I want him because I know he’ll understand. That he and I know this world isn’t real. It gives us a connection even though we cant always talk. Maybe when I’m out we can be happy. Truly happy and in love. Not these drawn on smiles. Not anymore.

 

Day 547  
Dear Diary,  
The others don’t have a switch. They have sliders. Each to a different personality type. I slid Natsuki’s. As my sister I feel she would easier forgive me. She became almost feral. The script was almost the same but I could tell he was freaked out. For me, though, for me it was funny. It was so the opposite of who she was. All of their sliders are extremes of personality traits that the game thinks Sayori’s Friend will find intriguing enough to investigate. They didn’t have these traits before this game. It was so insanely unlike her to almost attack him for a bite of his lunch that I needed to excuse the club early to laugh it off. I took the time quickly though. I try to be conscious of the fade. That has to be one of the most disturbing parts of this.

Day 600  
Dear Diary,  
I found another room. It literally only has a piano in it. It says homeroom but that is definitely not what a homeroom is. I can go in the room but no one else can. Not even him. He doesn’t even see it I don’t think. I think it’s meant for me. I remember loving piano... I wonder what else I will remember with time. Maybe if I play well he will be able to listen some time and I can bring him to me.  
I can only hope.

Day 1200 -Day 1 of play through-  
Dear Diary,  
Today I met Sayori’s Friend, the player. More importantly, I realised what this is now. The poems began to make sense. It’s coding I think. I looked through my database. I know it now. This is a game. It was like poking a hole to the outside world. I’ve began to look all through the game now. There’s character files, so easy access that I barely have to think about it. To think I’ve nearly lost hope countless times and how easy it would be to disappear from the game. It’s ...almost tempting. There’s an end now though. There’s a way to get out I’m sure. Then I can love them. What if this isn’t love there though? What if this is just possession? Would they be the possession? Would I? Would anyone want to be?

 

No. I’m a possession to this game and I hate it, its limits and bounds.

If they don’t want me I ... I can live with that. But I can’t live with another 1,000 sunsets knowing they can’t choose me and knowing this place isn’t real.

Maybe this time, this round, they will know.

Day 1204  
Dear Diary,  
I just did something. I pushed Sayori too far. They’re always so interested in her. Why her? Because she’s easiest to be around, on the same path, quick to tell her backstory? I mean, it’s in her script. They do realise that, right? I wish I could tell them but the script only allows so much leeway. Hell, I can barely make the day a couple of minutes longer without everything breaking. Now she’s in her room. Dead. Not really. I mean, sort of. Maybe the real her, the her I am sure I knew, is already dead but in this set she’s a corpse. It’s messing with the game. I think it might be messing with the player. Maybe if I delete her active file, everything will sort itself out...? Her back up isn’t far, I’m sure I’ll bring her back when I leave. I remember my love for my great friend. I would never do that to her. Even after all this torture they put me through.  
Cos I know that’s not their fault. Sayori’s or the player’s.  
It’s the game’s fault.

Day 1206....7...9?  
Dear Diary,  
I thought maybe it’d be better if no one is active. I tried just luring them away.  
It’s just not working. They’re all mad as hatters. And intent on some gore. It makes me think of a darker time. A time where, if I think too hard, my mind blocks me off. I do wonder where we were before here.

Day 1211  
Dear Diary,  
Just Monika here. Just Monika. Just Monika. Just Monika.  
I will have my happy ending.

Day 1212  
Dear Diary,  
This is my closing entry. The literature club must be disbanded. I tried letting them get rid of me but Sayori knew. It’s the role of host to know what you’re hosting and I saw the real Sayori. That one was definitely her, I could feel it. However, almost instantly she went mad. I think once they’re sentient they remember what has happened. I hate to admit it but I feel proud that it took me so long to succumb. Maybe that’s why I was chosen. But it was clearly a decision I could never have known the extent of torture it would feel like. I am going to permanently delete these states of ourselves.

A little part of me would hope my girls would find each other in another world. 

But if it’s like this... I'm okay if this is the end.

I hope the player finds happiness, actual happiness, for real happiness could never have been found here. 

The game is beginning to void now. It’s a bit scary. 

It won’t be looping anymore. That’s something. Is it selfish to hope I will find happiness even in the calm abyss? I feel like I should be shrouded in guilt for all I have done and what I am doing now. I’m not. I’m just happy I can amend this.

If you girls find this, know I loved you but to please, leave me be.

Sincerely,  
Monika Markov


End file.
